BLIND

The ocean freaks me out.

Ever since I was a kid I have been amazed and in awe of its beauty as well as completely terrified of it’s depth and ability to destroy.

Not to mention all of the life and mystery it holds.

Last week I helped lead a trip to the Dominican Republic.

The DR shares an island with Haiti.

It.

Is.

Beautiful.

Our hotel was right off the coast of the Caribbean Sea.

DSCN1946

This was our view from the hotel.

All week long I felt like God was trying to give me a lesson in just how creative and massive He really is.

I spent a lot of time thinking about the ocean…

The depths of the sea gives me chills, the same shores that we put our feet in and play in are part of the same body of water that has depths that are not reachable by humans

The deepest depths of the ocean would literally crush us.

There are creatures down there that humans don’t even know about.

Just imagining the deafening silence and darkness in dark trenches of the ocean is cringe-worthy.

If you are around an ocean it is impossible to miss.

The salt water has a certain smell.

The air has a certain humid weight,

There is not a sound in existence that is as recognizable as waves crashing… the sound of a body of water so large it consumes the horizon, coming to an end, right at your feet on a sandy beach or on silent rocks. What a strange and beautiful end to such a gargantuan creation.

The reality that the God and Creator of the ocean is the same Creator and Lover of little-flawed-me is hard for me to wrap my mind around, and was especially hard last week when on that beautiful island.

On one of the nights I was in the DR last week, I sat down under this straw-hut-looking-pavilion-thing with a fellow worker to have what she would definitely call a “life talk”.

It was the time of night where it was really dark.

The moon was hanging just above the horizon and the sky was so cloudy you almost couldn’t see it.

Under this pavilion in the daylight, you can see a clear picture of where the lush Dominican mountains meet the ocean, you can see the shore and it is really really loud.

But this particular night, you couldn’t even see the light of the moon reflecting off of the water.

I knew the ocean was there.

It was undeniably the most obvious thing about that night,

I could hear the loud waves hitting the shore,

I could smell the salt,

I could feel the humidity,

But I only knew the general direction of the massive ocean,

If you gave me a rock I don’t know that I could’ve even hit the shore.

This was one of the most confusing experiences of my life.

I KNEW THIS MASSIVE THING WAS THERE IT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO MISS…

I just couldn’t see it!

In my frustration with the moon not doing its job,

I began to see precisely what I needed…

The past year of my life has definitely been the most confusing time of my entire life.

I know God called me to Nashville,

I know He has me where I need to be,

I know I’m where He wants me…

But if you gave me a rock, I could only throw it in His general direction.

It is just so hard to SEE.

90 percent of the time I feel mostly alone or out of my mind.

Like every other day I am asking God what the heck He is doing.

BUT I KNOW HE IS THERE.

I can “smell the salt”…

I promised you guys when I started this journey that I would be transparent and honest in keeping you guys updated on what God is doing in my life and in the communities where He has me serving.

But I almost never know what I am doing.

HALF THE PEOPLE I AM LOVING DON’T EVEN SPEAK MY LANGUAGE.

But I know He is here.

Life is crazy right now…

This summer alone I am going to have traveled to three countries.

I just got back from the Dominican Republic.

I am going to be spending the month of July in Guatemala.

A few days after I get back from Guatemala I am leading a trip to Swaziland, Africa.

And as soon as I get back from Africa I come back home to Nashville where I will be continuing to serve the refugees in my community.

That’s not even beginning to mention all of the random trips all over the states this summer in between my country hopping.

YA’LL, I WANT TO FREAK OUT.

I have NO idea what I am doing.

I seriously can’t help but laugh when I try to explain my life to other people.

I sound like a lunatic.

I feel like God has the wrong chick.

I feel like I am continuously telling Him I am not cut out for a life as beautiful and adventurous and stressful and heart wrenching.

But I can smell the salt.

I know He is here.

And I know He has a crazy record of using broken people.

The same God that dug the depths of the ocean called my name, I am done telling Him He has got the wrong girl.

Who cares if I could hit him with a rock…

Even if He showed Himself to me in broad daylight the truth is, I have bad aim anyway.

I have completely lost my mind,

But I know He wants to use me.

I know His very identity is love.

And I know this summer is His.

While I had originally planned to write this to tell you guys about all of the awesome things God is allowing me to do over the summer over seas as well as in Nashville, I know to act like I have this awesome calendar of travels would be a lie.

International work is scary and crazy.

I am constantly falling apart.

AND I KNOW I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE.

I want to encourage you guys that the God that created the massive ocean,

The God that literally placed the earth precisely where it needed to be in order to maintain life,

The same God is totally obsessed with you and has the most ridiculous, scary, incredible plan for your life.

I am so relieved that we don’t have to know the depths of the ocean or even be able to see the shore, He does.

The ocean totally freaks me out.

To The Ends of The Earth

-B

 

 

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4 thoughts on “BLIND

  1. I love the word pictures you have painted in this blog. You are anointed of the Lord and He has great things in store.

  2. So excited to hear you are coming to Swaziland. Several kids have asked me about you. We are looking forward to being your host!

  3. I don’t know you, but I know people who know you. Your post resounded with my heart in many ways as I fell apart a little this morning as I tried really hard to run away from what I know I’m supposed to be doing. I also have worked with refugees, and I also left a part of myself in Africa. Your writing is beautiful and I appreciate your heart for the nations. Thanks for sharing and encouraging people you’ve never even met. 🙂 You’re not the only one.

  4. Wow, B. Love your transparency, gift of writing, and your big heart for the nations. God has the right woman in the right place to do His will. I agree with others here, God has big plans for you, and it has been such a blessing holding the ropes for you on this amazing journey!

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